


Midnight satin

by TheHessianHorseman



Category: Ghost Adventures (TV)
Genre: Angst, Ghost Adventures (TV) Crew, M/M, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-12 09:01:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28507857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheHessianHorseman/pseuds/TheHessianHorseman
Summary: Zak thought he could tell his best friend everything and anything however some things are best kept a secret.
Relationships: Zak Bagans/Nick Groff
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	Midnight satin

**Author's Note:**

> I originally posted this elsewhere in 2014 but decided to add it here. Hope whoever reads this likes my work :) and thank you.

8:30 at night, it was clear but the air crisp, harsh when angled wrong in the wind. In the distance fireworks could be heard echoing through the skies, their flashes lighting up the ground casting a wicked shadow over the one man who had no holiday spirit.

Zak, a man in his early thirties with stunning killer looks, aspiration to be admired and raw enthusiasm sat alone in the dark. His bare arms never felt the cold breeze, the fireworks were no longer entertainment but instead gunshot sounds. Each round shooting further into his heart.

Two weeks ago he told his best friend, the one person who held the seal to all secrets tight shut, the one person who he could express his feelings of fear, sadness or despair, the darkest secret of his life.

He sat replaying the day over in his mind, can see his friends expression crystal clear, could see the pearly white teeth as he laughed, then the lines in his forehead as he frowned. He felt confident he could tell this man the one thing that had been plaguing him for the past few years. But how wrong he was.

Zak wasn’t expecting normality nor was he expecting full understanding but what he didn’t bargain for was anger, repulsion or to be locked outside felling confused and dazed. He thought his friend would at least be civil, would sit down and be willing to identify with what he was experiencing.

His ribs felt tight as he began to tense and shake, but not from the cold. He hit the critical point of the memory, the words slipping from his mouth in almost a whisper, the way they both stared each other down, neither looking away until it had sunk in what was said and what was heard. He shook more when it was obvious the thoughts running through his friends mind.

For those two weeks he hadn’t dared to show his face, instead he kept the curtains shut and the phone off the hook. He couldn’t bare it, the finger pointing, the comments, the knowing. It was never supposed to be this way, of course it wasn’t. 

“Zak?”

His heart hammered hard, So many emotions ran through, the butterflies in his stomach from excitement and panic, the flinching and the hope. He wasn’t sure what to do, why he was here. Quickly he decided to not bother looking up, with niceties or pretending he was okay.

It hurt, there was nothing that could compare to how low he felt, and it was truly rock bottom. If only perhaps he hadn’t of said anything, instead let it slowly destroy him, decompose vitals until there was no secret that did exist. Either way the outcome would have been the same.

“Zak, you’re freezing.”

What did it matter? Why was he even bothered? It would have been better for him to of done what he was good at for the past 2 weeks and kept away and carried on with his life. He was only aware of the hand rubbing over his arm when he looked down.

He wanted to pull away, to let it be known he was seriously unimpressed but he didn’t have the energy to do anything other than stare ahead. His face became hostile when a hoodie was placed over his head, the so familiar smell invaded his senses, he didn’t want it, couldn’t handle it.

“Is that better?”

NO! How could it be better? This is what he wanted from the beginning, now it was just a cruel taunt. It was like the hug he always wanted but the hoodie was only superficial and he sought after ripping it from his body, to burn it until nothing was left. It was painful. 

He only watched the man when he happened to move into his line of sight, he didn’t want to observe the way he did things, and how he moved, to be lead astray. It was like giving a dog a bone then taking it away as soon as he became interested, letting him get so close but not enough so he could bite. 

It was too hard to comprehend why it took 2 weeks for him to come around and act like nothing had happened, to have the same friendly tone in his voice. It enraged him that his friend was doing this, he’d rather he had stood in front of him and used his body as a punching bag so he could at least get rid of the frozen feeling he had day in day out.

“I hope you like these; I know how you love the expensive ones.”

“NO! No you don’t, how dare he come over here, disturbing the peace, acting like the ten years of friendship gave you the rights to know everything. It was okay to be hot and cold when it suited him but now he expected others to change their ways so it matched the mood.

NO! Zak wouldn’t do it, by god he wanted to but he wasn’t going to be played along, not this time. He wanted to get up, to throw his friend out, and to make sure he knew the sting that he was feeling. But still he couldn’t be bothered to. He needed to express his wishes of being left alone but even they wouldn’t arise from his lungs.

His friend entered his vision again, his bent down form just captured in the dark, his hands pushing pipes and boxes into the soft soil. If truth be told he wanted to shove those rockets so far where they didn’t belong. To light them all, sit back and let the release wash over him.

But what good would it have done? The good feeling would have lasted all of 5 minutes but in reality it isn’t what he wanted, he didn’t want to hurt him, how could he? But he did want him to know the hurt he was feeling.

“Zak? Zak look at me.”

The request was simple, just a matter of moving his head up to face a person he had known for 10 years. People do it automatically everyday but it was the one thing he merely couldn’t do. He didn’t want reminding of the reason he was at that place currently.

He couldn’t help how he felt or where it came from, it was the most basic function of the human body but so are reactions. It came easier than breathing but how he wished he had someone to sit with, to talk it through. As the alternative he had to sit by himself and let it stew over. He rode the tides solo, was his own worst enemy. 

He experienced the highs, convinced he did the right thing, went through the lows; beat himself up for being abnormal, for thrusting his own problems onto someone else. Now he was here, playing Mr ignorant, disregarding the raw reality. 

“Zak look at me please.”

It happened, slowly, but it happened. He looked at his shoes, how his jeans would perfectly rest on them. His calves hugged loosely by the fashion worn denim, a contrast to how they near clung to his thighs. He stopped a little longer to look at his sharp silver belt buckle. 

Now it became harder to go further, closer to the reason. Gradually his eyes crossed the cotton grey t-shirt, following the black and white patterns splashed over it. His arms crossed over his chest, disrupting the lines, it angered him, the markings broken by ignorance once again. His broad chest stood out from his narrow waist, it was too much.

He wavered again, could he go higher? He sure as hell wanted to but he knew the results of doing so. He’d spiral again, the seams would pull quicker than a blink letting him fall through his own black hole, and it was dangerous. He did find pleasure looking at his shoulders, the way they sloped down so faintly, strong but slight. 

He felt the pain shoot through his chest when he saw the beard, it had been the same for years. It suited him but then again everything did. His short hair would still be gelled back, if he was right it’d smell of top quality cologne, the one scent that completed the masterpiece. 

Then by mistake, habit or subconscious want he looked right into those brown satin eyes. He was never a fan of the hazel colour, but these were pure velvet gold. They smouldered when he was happy, would glisten when he was excited even surge when he was tired. A single tear slid down Zak’s face.

His friend reached forward to wipe his thumb down the same damp path, a wrong move on his part. Zak wasn’t in the mood to be playing mind games, he grabbed at the wrist which housed the unwanted hand near him. He knew it was a tight grip, knew it was uncomfortable but the pain that was evident in those chocolate eyes was relief.

Was this another mocking move? What did he honestly think he was going to achieve by being here? If he thought he was going to break him down even more then he was horribly mistaken. Zak had spoken his peace that day 2 weeks ago, there was no need for provoking. 

“Get your hand away from me.”

Despite the demand, Zak held the wrist taut whilst he stood up. Both stared at the other, the brown pools showing yellow hints of pain whilst Zak’s blue spheres burst odium. Just what was his intention, he wanted to know but didn’t what to hear it. If he was expecting Zak to greet him with open arms then he would be sorely disappointed. 

“Get off my property now.” 

His voice was different, it seemed neither here nor there, it was his voice but trapped between wanting him to leave and needing him to stay. His friend stood his ground, he could take all the physical pain Zak could inflict onto him, it didn’t matter he wasn’t going anywhere.

Zak let out a quiet snarl before sitting back down, his arms rested on his knees as he stared at the concrete. Once again he could smell the safe scent on the offering, he ran a finger over the cuff, knowing it had been rested on the body of the man he had just tried to harm. 

It was a brutal circuit of wanting one thing, but needing the opposite. It was so hard to want to hurt the man that stood before him when his smile warmed his heart. He was tired, tired of beating himself up, tired of travelling the same revolving door, he wanted closure. 

His friend backed away and wandered to the end of the garden again. Zak didn’t try to divert his line of sight, instead he stared at the man in the moonlight almost a guilty pleasure. He felt sick, his hands gripped at the bench as the temptation to reach out was overbearing. 

He buried his nose into the sleeve, instantly memories of past events came back to him. All the times they had laughed all the fun they shared and the hunting they had gone through. It sounded weird but when they were in lockdowns he always knew where his friend was, could smell his gel and aftershave. 

It was something that could make him both smile and feel at home and nothing had changed since. He remembered a time when his friend was reaching out in the dark, his palm searching for something to make contact with, that something happened to be his face. The chocking smell of the scented alcohol on his hands was a knockout but still he smiled.

Hearing the footsteps retreating back to where he sat, Zak gave up when his friend sat next to him. The first crackles of gunpowder rang in his ears, the flashes making his dark hair glow. He caved quickly and sat up straight, his eyes following the mini explosions. 

He sat in silence as he watched, unaware of the eyes that sat and watched him. He again made a mistake when he pulled the hoodie over his nose to prevent breathing in the smoke. Again he was angered, felt it was all part of an elaborate plot to annihilate him. He loved the smell and that’s what frightened him the most. 

A hand reached out and touched his face, the palm rested on his cheek, the fingers just brushing into his hairline. The hand smoothly drew him to face the other, a small smile with a liquid gaze stood against him. The hand began to lower, the thumb rubbing past the corner of his mouth.

“You look so handsome in the illumination.”

What the hell was he doing? This was an awful joke at his own expense. How cruel could he be? Two weeks ago he had blown more than a gasket, he raised the roof and sunk the foundations when Zak opened his heart. He expected him to of at least of shrugged it off, maybe felt some flattery but to act the way he did was disrespectful.

He stood up instantly making his friend sit further back, his arms upraised expecting the worst. Thoughts ran through his head, all coming back to the same conclusion. This was a bigger blow than the reaction he was first presented with.

“What the fuck are you doing Nick? If it’s some sort of sick joke for you to go back and laugh with everyone about then get out now before I kill you. And if you think it’d be a funny episode for Aarons Vlog you can give me the tape now and I’ll slowly ram it down your throat.”

What was he hiding? There was something in his eyes that he had never seen before. He stood uncontrollably shaking, he was so upset at the thought of Nick doing this, if it was just a wind up. These were serious feelings that Zak had, it didn’t call for someone so close to play with them.

“I haven’t come here with a camera, I’m alone, just me.”

Nick lifted his foot onto the bench, using it to try and sink further back from Zak. He never knew what Zak’s threshold was, didn’t know what he was capable of, no one had ever really pushed his buttons. Quite honestly he didn’t want to know. 

“So why has it taken you so long to speak to me Nick? And why after 2 weeks are you hear acting like everything is fucking peachy and saying I’m handsome?”

Zak knew it was a lie, a plot to get him to say something, to get him to react in a way that would be reported back to base, so it could be thrown at him every time something happened or a traditional joke that would be brought up every now and again. 

It had taken Zak 8 years to realise just what Nick really meant to him, for him to be aware that having Nick around him raised emotions stronger than those bought on by having friends and family around you. He learnt the hard way that Nick did in fact bring him safety.

“Who put you up to this? TELL ME!”

“No one, I’m here because I want to be here, I did this on my own.”

“You know what, I’d of done anything for you. If you needed money the cheque was already written, if you needed someone to talk to at 3 in the morning I was already awake and waiting to listen. Hell man if you needed a fucking kidney you could have taken both of them! I’d of done everything and anything for you, and that day when you said what you did, it was just disrespectful. I know it was hard for you to hear it but I had to say it. So what’s changed now?”

Zak took a step back, aware that he was actually shouting in Nick’s face. Taking a seat back on the bench, he allowed himself to slump down it, ready to listen to Nick’s true intentions. As he began his eyes welled up, he didn’t care anymore, and he’d listen to his friend then call it a night.

“I don’t care what you think Zak, but people do change.”

He sat and listened to how after he had made his secret known Nick only reacted the way he did out of shock, it seemed all typical and pre thought of until he carried on. Nick went on to say how he sat through hours of videos, how it help bring to light that actually their friendship was more or less his whole life.

They literally did everything together, and even though he spent a lot of his time filming his friend, he never really took much time to actually watch him, to watch how they acted together.

“I watched our shows Zak, something happened, I can’t explain it. I’d sit night and day just watching you to some extent I became obsessed, obsessed over little things. There is something there that’s hard to explain in simple terms. It’s just, I don’t know, these two weeks of not doing stuff together or just sitting down and talking has been real hard.”

Zak sat and thought. He knew what Nick was trying to say but there was still something there telling him to ignore it all. To shut his mind down and go his own way. He knew people were different, but surely in 2 weeks someone couldn’t make their mind up like this.

It wasn’t just a thought process of ‘shall I completely change my hair style?’ it was a life changing decision. If Nick had came to apologise then perhaps Zak may have believed him but not now, there was too much at stake and too little time to have healed. 

Taking the hoodie off, Zak folded it up and placed it where he was sitting after getting up, without another word or even a glance back he walked into his house, locking the door behind him. It had been a long and tough night, he never expected a visitor, at least not Nick and now all that Zak had managed to heal had come undone again.

Standing at an upper room window, Zak looked down to where he was sat not a few minutes ago down to where Nick was currently leaving, his hands fumbling with the gate lock before wiping away streaming tears.

..........................................................................................

Another week had passed by and Zak had barely gotten out of bed each day. His encounter with Nick had caused more harm than good as he had quickly sunk back into the claws of despair. It was Friday night and while he should have been out, having fun, doing something, anything, he lay under the covers enduring bouts of uncontrollable sadness.

He needed someone to talk to, someone neutral who wasn’t connected to any of them and who wasn’t a shrink. Possibilities ran through his head, he was desperate and his actions were anything but healthy. His options were bleak but then something came to mind, something that might be so crazy that it was right.

Swinging the covers back he placed his wary feet on the floor, his legs shook for a second before he stumbled around, snatching a backpack and grabbing at a few spare clothes. He had to go, he couldn’t not talk to anyone for much longer.

“Virginia I have to call Virginia!” came his mumbled eagerness as he continued grabbing things before the door shut behind him and was locked. There was no time to stop and check he had everything or even if it was in working order he had one chance at this and it had to be now.

It was a fairly long trek across state, he was pleased Virginia answered the phone, despite the fact of him being unable to for the past three weeks. Pulling off the interstate he slowed the car down as he approached his hotel for the night. It would have been rude to ask Virginia to meet him at such a late time.

Lugging his belongings to the elevator he opened his room before doing what he had been best at just recently, he pulled back the bed covers and pulled them over his head.

..........................................................................................

“Thank you so much Virginia for doing this for me and thank you for understanding I need a private word.” Zak stood in the dim light of day, his jacket blowing around him. Both his hands encased in the old woman’s who stood before him.

“You are very welcome Zak, I just hope you sort out whatever is bothering you, you look so run down. You’re only young you shouldn’t be wasting your life.” With a nod of understanding and blessing she let go of his hands and unlocked the Goldfield Hotel. 

Taking the bag of equipment first, he slowly walked down the corridor, the so familiar corridor to the one room he loved so very much.

“Elizabeth sweetie it’s me Zak, I’ve come to talk to you again.” He forged sounding happy, didn’t want to risk creating an atmosphere. 

“It’s just me this time though, let me set this stuff up and I’ll go fetch you something.” Placing a few cameras around the room he put a recorder on the floor some way from the flowers Virginia had obviously placed not long ago. 

Leaving to fetch the few things he had bought specifically for Elizabeth herself he returned to hear the ovilus kicking out some words. He stopped in his tracks just short of the doorway when he heard it say Nick. It made him angry but not at Elizabeth, it wasn’t her fault she didn’t know. 

“Look what I got you sweetie” He held onto a very large bunch of bright flowers, their colour splash an extreme against the grey of the room. Placing them into a spare jar he still held a hand behind his back. “I also have something else for you, and it is just for you.” 

Before he had a chance to reveal his gift the ovilus blurted out ‘rose’. 

“Elizabeth you busted my surprise!” Zak laughed revealing the single red rose which he placed at the very front of jar.

Taking a seat on the cold concrete he sat in silence for a few moments, collecting his thoughts and wondering if this was in fact a very silly thing to be doing. He was about to speak when the ovilus stopped him, the word ‘sadness’ ringing in his ears. 

“Are you sad Elizabeth? I don’t want you to be sad.” And for the first time he got a ‘no’ answer from the machine by her. This was followed by a caring squeeze on his shoulder. He was taken back; she was definitely there with him.

“Elizabeth I came here because there was no one else I knew who I could talk to sweetie. I messed up big time and I need someone to speak with.” Within the next few seconds the ovilus twice said Nick’s name.

“I’m sorry, Nicks not here this time, do you miss him?” He wondered if she knew what he was going to say, if she knew all about his problems with him. 

‘Help’... ‘Beginning’ Being prompted to speak Zak took a large lungful of air.

“Nick and I have known each other for a long time Elizabeth, a very long time. We do everything together, everything you can think of we’ve done. We’ve laughed so much, seen so much I couldn’t ask for a better investigator by my side.” Again the ovilus said the word Nick.

“But you see also for a very long time I’ve liked Nick more than a friend and more than a brother. These last two years have been really bad, I have dreams of him getting hurt, of us being more than friends and more so of him walking away.”

Zak put his head in his hand, his other making patterns in the gravelly dust on the floor, bits of it getting stuck under his short nails. God he’d give everything to go back in time and keep his mouth shut.

“He means everything to me, there is nothing in the world I value more than him but a few weeks ago I told him how I felt. It didn’t go too well, in fact it went horribly bad. To be honest I still don’t know how he really feels about it but his eyes said enough. Since that day I’ve done my best to stay out of his way.”

Again he felt a comforting hand on his shoulder. Putting his head back he covered his face with his hands. He wanted to scream, to shout profanities but not now, not in front of Elizabeth.

“You know he said some pretty disgusting things to me that day, so bad that I’m not going to repeat them to you sweetie, I respect you too much to even bring that language here with me. I wish he hadn’t of reacted that way and he probably wishes I hadn’t of said what I did to him. I can’t make him love me but damn if only he did. It’s a very selfish way of thinking I know but when it comes to Nick I can’t help it.” 

Zak paused his talking to do some thinking. He was feeling a lot of pain but then again so probably was Nick and really what it all boiled down to was all Zak’s fault. There were a lot of choices in life and he should have kept his damn mouth shut about this one. He could have potentially ruined everything that was brilliant in his life, all of their lives.

‘Pain’ 

Zak looked at the ovilus to make sure he heard right, he gave a slight smile. “Seems like you can read my mind sweetie.” 

‘Forgive’. 

“There is more to this story, Nick came over to see me a week ago, he acted like everything was okay, like I had never said anything to him. I don’t know if it was his way of dealing with it or if he did just want it to go away, heck perhaps he was embarrassed but there was something about it and you know I did something I swore I’d never do. I acted so badly towards him Elizabeth I’m so ashamed of myself. I shouted at him, probably even screamed and I held onto his wrist so tightly.” By now warm tears were trickling from his eyes. “But then he said nice things, things about me but I didn’t believe him, I couldn’t, it was all just a joke.”

‘Trust’ 

“Sweetie I wish I could have trusted him, I really do. But I can’t afford to be broken further. If it was just for a laugh it would have destroyed me. It’s too much to be whimsical about this, to have gone along with it if it was a joke. Once again I’m always the selfish one but he means too much to me, you understand that don’t you?”

This time he heard the radiator she was said to be tied to make an awful loud banging. He then saw a petal of the flowers he bought bend back a little before the whole flower moved. He loved the activity he always got with Elizabeth he would have liked to have met her in the flesh, not because she was trapped in the spirit world after enduring such a harsh life – and death. 

“I know that it will never be the way I’d like it to be and that now things will be awkward. Even our shows will no doubt be different, people will see the difference between us, they’ll know. It might not even be a bad idea to walk away from it all, from him. It’s no one’s fault but my own, my own stupid damn fault. I’ve been so unfair to so many people.”

All had gone quiet for a while, there were so many thoughts to process and compartmentalize he didn’t know where to start. A good place to begin would perhaps allow him to see things Nicks way, he needed to see things from his point of view. If the tables were turned and it was Nick who had unravelled the secret where he himself had no interest. 

“I think Elizabeth we both need to apologise to each other. Regardless of how things are going to be we at least need that.”

Leaning forward, Zak took some of the teddies left for Elizabeth and dusted them off. What Virginia did for the spirit was both amazing and beautiful, she treated her as a friend, as a member of her family and was completely unselfish. It gave him hope with society.

Placing her gifts back the same way he found them he sat cross legged again, staring at the flowers. An overwhelming sense of happiness flowed over him, it was almost as if Elizabeth was stood by him, smiling down. About to speak, he was stopped, the ovilus cutting through the thin air.

‘Stop’ 

Did she know Zak was about to speak, was she even tied of his woes?

‘Behind’

“What do you mean Elizabeth? Is someone behind me?”

‘Stay’

“Do you want me to stay here? You know I couldn’t I’m afraid sweetie.”

‘Always’ 

“Always? I don’t understand, what do you mean?”

“I think she means me.”

The backs of his shoes along with his clothes scrapped along the ground as he turned abruptly to face the doorway. Nick stood looking back at him, arms crossed and in all honestly looking a lot worse than himself.

“Nick, what the heck are you doing here?” Zak demanded, his chest very visibly rose and fell from fright.

“Same reason you are I guess.”

“Well how did you even get in here?”

“Door was open.” 

“It shouldn’t have been, I put the latch on... Elizabeth did you open the door?”

Minutes passed without a hint of an answer, the only thing coming out of the ovilus was Nick’s name, constant. He wanted to be pleased, wished he could have been pleased that Nick was here but he couldn’t let go.

“Looks like you’ve got an admirer.”

‘Both’

Zak turned away from Nick, instead listened to his footsteps wondering just where Nick was going to sit. He wasn’t surprised when he had picked a spot right next to him, felt the anger arise again when Nicks knee knocked his own when he sat. Gritting his teeth to calm his tongue he took a side glance, he looked sad, tired, deflated. 

“So, how have you been?” Nick tried, not knowing what else to say.

“Okay, you?”

“Yeah, same, I’ve been okay.”

“Liar!”

“Ditto.”

Quickly the silence became deafening, still their knees touched, creating a warmth between them which Zak wished could have been between their hearts instead. He never said a word as Nick spoke to Elizabeth, 

“Elizabeth, did Zak bring you these flowers?”

‘Loving’

“He is!” 

Zak inwardly scoffed at Nicks words. If it wasn’t for Elizabeth he’d have gotten up and left, got in his car and driven. But he knew deep down he wouldn’t have, not without some answers or at the very most an apology. Perhaps today he would get one.

“Zak, can you remember that time in the hotel with the cookies?”

“How can I ever forget?”

“I’ve never laughed so much in my life.”

Nick gave a small laugh before his face fell into complete disarray. He sat shoulders slumped, breathing heavily while large tears splashed onto his legs. That’s when it came and it made Zak not want it, not when it was clearly hurting his friend.

Through the shouting and blurred fast words he picked up on the word sorry, and not just once either. He continued to stare at his friend, his sleeve cuffs dragging agonizingly over his eyes, already they were red raw. His mouth moved so quickly, his words made no sense and slowly he started to rock back and forth. It scared Zak, it scared him a lot.

“Nick stop, just stop please.” He grabbed hold of his shoulders, tried to keep him still. He may have been angry but the state Nick had worked himself up into was sickening. Being left with no choice Zak had to place his hand over Nick’s mouth, he didn’t want to but nothing was stopping the man.

“Nick, shut up and calm down!”

Stunned, Nick stopped, still his tears fell, wetting Zak’s hand but he’d stopped his gibberish. His eyes stung so much and it was hard to see Zak through the tears. Pulling away from the hand he tried to speak again.

“I’m, I’m so sorry Zak. What I said to you was so appalling, I...I”

“Why did you say it Nick?”

“Because I was and am scared Zak. It was wrong what I did and said but I also can’t help or take back my reaction. It came out of my mouth and I’m sorry for that.”

“I’m sorry too Nick, for what I did to you last week, but you have to understand I was so upset, angry.”

“But I hurt you so much!”

Zak placed his arm around Nick’s shoulders, pulling him close. They needed to talk but first all the sadness had to come out before any progress could be made. He didn’t care how long it took he wasn’t saying anything else until Nick had calmed. 

So much time had passed, still neither had spoken, Zak wondered if he should break the peace but he’d rather Nick do that instead. He wouldn’t deny he hated the situation he was in, the last thing he needed was to be comforting Nick. He shook his head, after everything that had happened he really didn’t need this.

Breaking away, Nick moved to look at Zak, right into his unreadable unsympathetic eyes. They blazed right through him as he swallowed the lump in his throat.

“I’m sorry.” He started, voice wavering as he went. “I had so many questions running through my mind in the very short time I had between you telling me and me needing to answer you. I was so confused that what I said came out instead of what I should have said. It honestly just came out.”

“No Nick, you shouldn’t have even had those words floating around your head at all, in any situation. In fact while you were at it you should have gone that little bit further and insulted the religions of the world, or perhaps given your view on ageism. Maybe you could have done a 5 minute stand-up on the unfortunate.”

“You know that’s not who I am, Zak I truly am sorry for saying those words. All I want is forgiveness.”

“I don’t know who you are anymore. And if I did give you forgiveness, it’ll never be the same again, not with all this going on in our heads.” Zak motioned between them with his hand. “You won’t look at me in the same way and neither will I. We’ll act differently because this will always be there. Me telling you my feelings and you blurting out your words.” 

Zak stood up in one swift motion, his hands clamped behind his head as he took small strides around the room. This really wasn’t what he needed, how hard could it be to get some peace for once in his life. There was only one way in which he could see there being any glint of normality out of this. But in typical fashion Zak wanted a decent answer out of Nick, he felt he was hiding some back. Anyone else would have gave in, hugged it out and ot over it but not Zak. 

“What do you want from me Zak?”

Shit, that got him. What did he want? He wanted everything, wanted it all, he’d got his apology so what was it. Was he waiting for that one sign, the real remorse, he couldn’t give an answer, not a damn word. The point was he didn’t want anything from him, it was all within himself but hte miasma in front of his eyes was too damn thick.

“You know what this is don’t you? This is my fault, all of it.”

Taking out his phone he called Virginia, apologised again for his rudeness and thanked her politeness and let her know he was finished and ready to go. Saying a heartfelt goodbye to Elizabeth he turned and left, once again walking away from Nick without so much of a glance. 

Outside in the cold Zak rested his arms on top of his car, an annoyed growl escaping his lungs. Hearing the boarded door knock behind him he stared off into the distance, willing himself to let go, to do what he’d been shouting at himself to do for weeks.

Seeing Virginia approach in the distance he straitened himself up, hearing Nicks door shut of his truck he hoped to god she wouldn’t notice him and ask questions. Thankfully she either hadn’t seen him or had but didn’t want to pry. Promising to see her again in the very near future he turned to get into his car, stopping midway.

Motioning for Nick to put his window down he rested against his driver’s door.

“What are you hiding nick? What is it deep down you’re not telling me?”

Nick didn’t say anything immediately, instead he held Zaks stare as best he could. He had a feeling he knew why Zak was being so resilient in all this because it could have been sorted a long time ago. All he had to do was open his heart.

“I can’t match up to you, you’re this amazing person and I’m just me, a nobody. You know you could have anyone you wanted out there, you could do so much better.”

“I’m not asking you to rival me Nick, I was asking you to love me.”

Zak got into his car, looking in his mirror he saw Nicks arms draped over his steering wheel, his head buried in them. He’d admit it had gone on for long enough now.

“Why am I such a dick, why can’t I let it go and go with the flow?” 

Zak set off for the long trek home, electing to take the scenic route to clear his head and get some perspective on the situation. Determined to bring himself out of the depressing mood he’d sank himself into as of late he concentrated on the straight road ahead which went on for miles. The sun had started to rise ahead of him, couldn’t believe his luck that the whole road was empty leaving it rather eerie. 

But then his mind drifted back to Nick as he tried so hard to not think of the last few weeks. He never knew exactly when he became aware of liking him in such a way, it was a very gradual occurrence in which different aspects pulled him in. In retrospect it was all down to his personality, and when you fall for someone’s personality everything about them becomes beautiful.

“Beautiful eyes, beautiful smile, very beautiful face. Dammit heart you could have fallen for anyone in this world, why Nick? You’re so stupid Zak.” He spoke as his car kicked up another gear. The scattered trees by the road whizzed passed which made him think upon his life.

“I’m not getting any younger now, I need to swallow my damn pride and stop messing about.” 

Checking his rear view mirror he saw a silver SUV tanking up behind him, could see the dust trail it was leaving in its wake. The more he stared the more he was sure it was that one person.

“You have to be fucking kidding me. First I’m granted 10 minutes alone time this morning, now I can only do 10 miles without another interruption.” 

Gradually Zaks foot pinned the accelerator to the floor but it was too little too late the SUV right on his tail. Without a word of warning they were side by side and Zak wasn’t sure whether to outdo it or pull back. Making the quick choice to not play dangerous he eased off, letting the vehicle pass him. 

Expecting the SUV to high tail it off he was sorely confused when it too slowed, causing them both to come to an agonizing crawl. Hanging further back Zak beeped at the truck, flashing his lights, he was highly bemused by their actions. Seeing it was clearly in no hurry to move any faster Zak attempted to go around it.

Until it swerved right into his path, blocking him off. A few more failed attempts at getting around the SUV he pulled the over onto the rocky verge some way from the other vehicle. Getting out he lent against his door, arms crossed.

It took a few more minutes before Nick got out of his truck, he wasn’t in a mood to be playing anymore. Focused and his stern face set in stone he stormed over to Zak, his feet kicking up loose dirt.

“What the hell Nick? You could have killed us both!” Zak shouted to Nick who looked like a man on hot coals. He put his hands out in front if him when he realised he wasn’t stopping, definitely not stopping.

That was the moment when all barriers came down. There was no ‘what ifs’ or negative arguments just Zak and Nick. Everything that had been said slowly trickled away into all that didn’t matter. 

Zak struggled against the hands that had his arms pinned against the roof of his car. He didn’t think Nick would be the dominant type but how wrong he was when his grip didn’t falter. Sharp teeth sank into his bottom lip making him pull back as much as he was capable of and protest which was shortly swallowed when Nicks tongue silenced him.

Feeling the release on his arms the hands soon found place under his shirt, short nails digging into his lower back before sneaking into his back pockets, squeezing, dragging him closer.

There was no time to react, to get his two cents worth. He was presented with the same stern face, it was amazing how the tables were turned so quickly, Zak felt completely done over.

“Is that enough for you now Zak?” Nick all but spat out. He turned on his heel and left. 

Zak stood with a grin, shaking his head.

“Guess it’s my turn to do some catching up then.”


End file.
